Antagony Aunties: Help! My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome. My Friends Are Horrified. I’m Somewhere in Between
Dilemma - “My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. I’m 25 and he’s 27, and we actually met when I was at university. We’ve recently moved in together, and, honestly, things have always been really good between us. Our sex life has never been something I’ve felt the need to complain about. Recently, though, he’s started talking about having a threesome with another woman. The thing is, I’m actually bisexual, so it’s not the idea of being with a woman that bothers me. I’ve even mentioned to a few of my friends that I wouldn’t necessarily be completely against trying it. Their reactions were very different — they think the whole thing is disgusting, especially because he wants it to be another woman — and now I’m starting to question whether I’m even considering it because I want to, or because I’m worried about what everyone else will think. I also have no idea what the “right” way to do a threesome actually is. Is it weird to do it with someone you don’t know? Part of me thinks I’d feel much more comfortable and enjoy it more if it was someone I already knew, but then that almost seems like it could make things even more awkward afterwards. What if I see them again? What if our friendship changes? And what if I get jealous? The biggest thing playing on my mind, though, is why he wants this in the first place. If our sex life is already good, why does he want to sleep with someone else? Why isn’t being with me enough? I haven’t said all of this to him because I don’t want him to think I’m accusing him of anything or start an argument. But I also don’t want to agree to something just because I’m scared of disappointing him. Am I overthinking this? And if I did decide I wanted to try it, would it be better with someone I know or a complete stranger?” - she/her , 25, Edinburgh
Thank you for sending in your dilemma. A lot is going on here, let’s begin by breaking it down. You have your boyfriend’s desire, your friend’s opinions and your own curiosity. This seems to be sparking spirals of ‘what ifs’: saying no might disappoint him; saying yes could open Pandora’s box of awkwardness, possible pleasure and judgement (because nothing says erotic freedom like a risk assessment). There are a lot of questions here and you don’t have to know the answer to the big one yet.
I’d suggest exploring your own position on the matter first. The following questions seem to be lurking amongst the worry:
If nobody else had an opinion, what would I want?
What about the idea genuinely excites me? What makes me hesitate?
When I imagine saying yes, what am I hoping the experience will give me?
When I imagine saying no, what am I afraid might happen?
What do I need from my boyfriend to feel safe enough to explore this possibility?
It can be helpful to journal your answers to externalise your thought process and read it back. If writing isn’t your thing, draw it, turn it into music, whatever act expresses how you feel; there is no correct way.
Right now, it seems you and your friends are trying to fill in the blanks about what your boyfriend is asking for. It’s clear you don’t have enough information from him yet, and more understanding is needed to put a stop to the guessing games. As you identified, this could be an opportunity for communication, which may feel vulnerable for both of you. After gaining some clarity on how you honestly feel (with the above questions if they resonate), it might be time to take your curiosity to him by asking something along the lines of, ‘What is it about this fantasy that appeals to you?’.
Some tips on discussing intimate topics: Use non-judgmental language to gain insight into his perspective, e.g. ‘I’m worried about …, how do you view it?’ Open questions will keep your conversation flowing without criticism. Try to leave a few seconds of silence after his answers as people often speak their truth after getting what might be the watered-down version of their chest. If anything comes up that you aren’t sure about, don’t be afraid to say you aren’t comfortable, you need more time, or just a solid ‘no’. The most important thing is that you feel safe. Listen to your body and trust your intuition.
On the topic of the third person, I’d resist the idea that there is a ‘right’ way to have a threesome. There is only a version that feels safe and consensual for everyone involved. A stranger might feel simpler. Someone you know might feel more exciting. Either could become complicated. The question doesn’t seem to be ‘who is the correct third person?’, but rather, ‘what boundaries, conversations and conditions would make this genuinely enjoyable for me?’, and ‘do the other two people want the same thing?’
The most important question in this response is the following:
If you knew you could say yes, no or not yet, and nobody would love you any less for your answer, what would you choose?
That answer is your north star. Not your friend’s opinions, not your boyfriend’s expectations, not the rules of what a bisexual woman, girlfriend, or sexually liberated woman is supposedly meant to want. We rarely get to experience unconditional love from others; we can always grace ourselves with it, but it is not always easy. Whatever your answer is, whatever your boyfriend’s response, my advice is to show yourself love and compassion. After all, perhaps the most important relationship to protect here is the one you have with yourself.
Sincerely,
Antagony Aunt
