I’m starting to wonder if I’m a bad friend for needing some space.

Dilemma — “My best friend and I have been close since school, but lately our friendship has started to feel completely one sided. She’s going through a lot, and I’ve always been the friend she comes to when she needs to vent. I listen, I give advice, I cancel plans to see her and I genuinely want her to feel better. But recently, I’ve realised that almost every conversation we have is about her problems. She also went through a really messy break up last year and still talks about her ex constantly. I’ve tried to be supportive, but whenever I gently suggest that she might need to start moving on, she gets defensive. Now I’ve started seeing someone. He’s lovely, treats me well and, for the first time in ages, I’m genuinely excited about someone. Instead of being happy for me, she keeps making comments about him. She says I “deserve better”, makes jokes about him and seems completely uninterested whenever I tell her something good that’s happened. I’ve told her that it hurts, but somehow the conversation always ends with her feeling hurt and me apologising. The strange thing is that since we haven’t seen each other for a week, I feel… lighter. I’m less stressed, more present and actually enjoying my own life. I don’t think I want to end our friendship, but I also don’t want to constantly feel guilty for having a life outside of her.

Am I a bad friend for taking a step back?

— 22, Liverpool

THE VERDICT: You’re not a bad friend. You’re just tired.

There is a very specific kind of guilt that comes with realising you feel better when someone isn’t around. Friendship is not meant to be an unpaid emotional support service.

There is a difference between supporting someone through a difficult period and becoming responsible for keeping them afloat. You can listen to your friend without making her problems your problems. You can care about what she is going through without putting your own life on pause while she processes it.

And the biggest red flag here isn't even that she's still talking about her ex. People move through heartbreak differently. The problem is that she seems to have made your friendship a space where her feelings are allowed to exist, while yours aren't.

You should be able to say, “I'm really happy about this person I'm seeing,” without being met with “you deserve better.” You should be able to tell your best friend that something hurt you without somehow ending up comforting her.

Most importantly, you are allowed to notice how you feel after spending time with someone.

If you consistently leave a friendship feeling drained, anxious or like you've spent two hours carrying someone else's emotional baggage, that's information. It doesn't automatically mean your friend is toxic or that you need to cut her off. Sometimes people are simply going through periods where they don't have much capacity to give back.

But, and this is a big but, I don't think this necessarily has to be the end of the friendship either.

Think about what made you friends in the first place. Think about the years before this particular period of your lives. The inside jokes, the stupid memories, the times she was there for you and the times you were there for her. Good friendships are supposed to go through highs and lows. People change, circumstances change and, sometimes, your lives suddenly look completely different.

I also have to admit, I've been in your friend's position before. I've been the friend who wasn't completely happy for my best friend when her life was changing. It wasn't my finest moment, and it definitely stung when she eventually told me how she felt, but honestly, it was much easier to cope with once she actually said it.

Sometimes we don't realise how our own unhappiness is spilling onto the people we love until somebody is honest enough to point it out.

And that's why I think you've done the right thing by communicating how you feel. It might not have gone perfectly, and she might not have responded how you wanted, but at least she knows. She can't change something she doesn't know is hurting you.

Life can change so much, so quickly. Your best friend might be struggling while you are having the best summer of your life. You might get into your dream university while she's dealing with a breakup. You might fall in love while she's still trying to pick herself up. Sometimes one person moves forward before the other is ready to.

And unfortunately, that's life.

So yes, take a step back if you need to. Stop chasing. Give yourself some room to actually enjoy your own life without feeling guilty about it.

But don't slam the door shut just yet.

Give her the chance to come back to you. Give yourself the chance to miss her. And maybe, when things have calmed down, remember why you became friends in the first place.

You can have boundaries without ending a friendship. You can be happy without rubbing it in someone's face. You can be hurt by someone and still love them. And sometimes being a good friend isn't about staying endlessly available. Sometimes it's about being honest enough to say, “I love you, but this isn't working for me anymore.” Then seeing what happens next.