Antagony Aunties: If You Can’t Spend a Night Apart, Is It Love or Attachment Issues?

“My boyfriend and I have been together for five months, and apart from the odd time we've had to be apart for work or other commitments, we've spent pretty much every day and night together since our first date. We love each other loads, but lately, we've noticed that the spark feels a bit different. Most days are amazing, but every now and then, we have a day or two where things feel a bit off. Then we'll have an amazing day together and everything feels perfect again. It's been a bit of a cycle recently. We've started wondering if we've moved too quickly. We both feel ready for the next stage of our relationship, but neither of us is ready for something as big as an engagement. At the same time, spending more time apart feels like we're going backwards, rather than just giving each other some space. Personally, I think we've neglected our friendships, responsibilities and independence a little. Maybe the stress of everything else is affecting our moods, and because we're constantly together, we're starting to associate those feelings with each other. My boyfriend isn't fully convinced. He thinks that if two people are really meant to be together, they should be happy spending all their time together. I can see his point, but I also wonder if having a bit more space might actually make our relationship stronger. We're spending a day and night apart to see how it feels, but I'm curious what other people think. Have you ever loved someone but felt like you were spending too much time together? Can taking a step back actually bring the spark back, or does it mean something deeper is wrong? Is needing space normal, even when you're in love, or should being with the right person just feel effortless? Would love to hear your experiences because I honestly don't know if we're overthinking it or if this is a sign something isn't right.” - 24 (She/her), Glasgow

First of all, I think you are spending far too much time together. The only person you should be spending THAT much time with is yourself! And I don't mean that in a cynical, anti-love way. I mean that you are still your own person outside of this relationship, and you need to nurture that part of yourself just as much as you nurture your relationship.

You've been together for five months and haven't really spent a night apart since your first date. Of course things might start feeling a little stale! You haven't really had the opportunity to miss each other, do your own thing, spend time with friends, have separate experiences and then come back together with things to talk about. When you're together constantly, even the most exciting relationship can start to feel like a routine. Sometimes you need a bit of distance to appreciate what you have.

Honestly, I also wonder whether your boyfriend has some attachment issues that you might be getting swept up in. The idea that if you're truly meant to be together, you should never have a problem spending every waking moment together is quite an unrealistic expectation to put on a relationship. Loving someone doesn't mean you suddenly stop needing independence, and needing time alone doesn't mean you love them any less. You can be completely obsessed with someone and still want an evening to yourself!

What stands out to me is that you're both interpreting time apart as a potential sign that the relationship is ending. Why? You're not breaking up, you're not falling out of love, and you're not abandoning each other. You're literally just spending a night in your own beds! The fact that you both find that so emotionally loaded makes me wonder whether you've become a little too dependent on the relationship for reassurance and happiness. I'm not saying that to judge you, because it's incredibly easy to get caught up in the honeymoon phase and want to spend every second together. But at some point, you have to learn how to be a couple without losing yourselves as individuals.

I also think it's worth challenging the idea that the right relationship should always feel effortless. Even the most compatible couples get irritated with each other, have boring days, feel disconnected or need a break from one another. A relationship isn't meant to be an endless honeymoon phase. Sometimes love is exciting and intense, and sometimes it's comfortable, ordinary and a little mundane. Neither automatically means anything is wrong.

You mentioned that you've neglected friendships, responsibilities and your independence. To me, that's the biggest clue here. You already recognise that other areas of your life have taken a back seat, and now you're wondering why you feel a bit off. Maybe the relationship isn't the problem at all. Maybe you've simply allowed it to take up so much space that there's very little room left for anything else. Then, when the stress of everything you've neglected catches up with you, it's easy to associate that feeling with your partner because they're the person who's always there.

My advice would be to stop treating time apart as an experiment to see whether you still love each other and start treating it as a normal part of your relationship. Make plans with your friends without feeling guilty. Pick up your own hobbies again. Have evenings where you do your own thing, sleep in your own beds occasionally and build lives that are fulfilling independently of one another. You don't need to go cold turkey or suddenly start acting distant. Just create a bit of breathing room.

And please, don't rush towards engagement or some other major milestone just because you feel like the relationship needs to progress. You don't need to constantly move towards the next big thing to prove that you're serious about each other. Sometimes the next step is simply learning how to have a healthy, sustainable relationship with the person you're already with.

Ultimately, I wouldn't take this as evidence that you're not meant to be together. But I would take it as an opportunity to look at the dynamic you've created. You can love someone deeply and still need space from them. You can miss someone without being unhappy. You can spend a night apart and still be completely committed to each other.

A relationship should be an addition to your life, not your entire life. You should be two people who choose to share their lives, not two people who feel they have to be together constantly to feel secure in what they have.

So, yes, I think you need to spend more time apart. Not because your relationship is necessarily in trouble, but because you both need the opportunity to remember who you are outside of it. And if your relationship is as strong as you believe it is, having separate lives shouldn't threaten it. It should give you even more to bring back to each other.

Antagony Aunty x